The Friday Funny: The Government Contracting Glossary

While we are on the theme of glossaries and interpretation guides, such as the earlier ones for Management Speak and language used in scientific papers, we thought this was a useful addition for evaluators who work on government contracts, and for government commissioners of evaluation contracts …

Govt Contracting Term Translation
Contractor A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
Bid Opening A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Bid A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Low Bidder A contractor who is wondering what she left out of her bid.
Engineer’s Estimate The cost of construction in heaven.
Project Manager The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path Method A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney; usually applied at random with a shotgun.
Strike An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Delayed Payment A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion Date The point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Auditor Person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.
Lawyer Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

Original source unknown; we found (and slightly tweaked) this version from The Joke Archives.

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